*Warning*
Beneath the cut is a post filled with me feeling sorry for myself. Proceed at your own risk. We were invited out tonight to a special “schoolgirl” themed night at the Fenix nightclub by a bunch of our friends. Since it sounded like bunch of fun and my nightlife has been severely lacking, I had been pretty excited about the prospect.
Well tonight comes and I’m hit by all of these excuses in my mind: “I’m so tired”, “I feel fat”, “My plaid mini-skirt shows off my jiggley thighs too much”, “It’s a weeknight”, “Devon probably doesn’t really want to go”, “It would take so long to primp and do my hair that its not worth it”, “I’m scared at the prospect of having to make small talk with strangers”, “All the other girls will look better than me” and so on and so forth. This debate in my mind happens every time we get invited out somewhere, and usually we end up just staying home and saying “Oh, well, let’s just promise to go next time”, and then we never do.
Its so frustrating because I never used to be like this until I moved to Seattle. I was always the one dragging people to nightclubs and parties, and when I couldn’t find someone to accompany me, I’d just go by myself. I crashed quite a few parties that way. I went clubbing at least once a week. I used to be ballsy and self-confident and was never self-consious.
Since I moved to Seattle, I feel like I’ve turned into someone who I dont quite recognize. While I know that I’ve matured and grown as a person, I’ve also developed some not-so-desired personality traits. I developed social anxiety and panic attacks, which I’ve learned to deal with, but I still get from time to time. I’ve noticed that I’ve started to studder when talking to people I don’t know very well…(almost everyone). I haven’t been to a night club in 2 years probably.
Tonight I was turned into a very weak girl who was bawling her eyes out because she couldnt work up the courage to go out and meet some new people. My weakness makes me ill.
I need to grow some balls…. (back)
Aww Pookie…
Yes my dear, you are a far way off from that wacky, club-hopping, socialite that used to run wild around Boston 3 years ago. While we all hoped that you would “mature and grow as a person” and get a little less wacky (ie picking up strangers off the side of the road and meeting people on-line (not that it did not work out well at least once, ahem, Devon)) you have definitely changed more than the regular amount that can be chalked up to growing and maturing. Plus, it upsets you and makes you feel ball-less.
Remember when you first moved and you started having panic attacks and everything and did some research and found that sudden changes in sociability were often found among women who had just given birth, due to the major life change and the shock of having to reintegrate with society after having recently spending all their time with their babies? If I recall, you also found some research that suggested that this condition can also be applied to people who go through other major changes, such as a big,cross-country move to Seattle. I think that you were dealing with this psychological issue and it was never resolved so you are still suffering from the side-effects and probably even worse because it has run unchecked for so long. You solved your panic attack symptoms by going to a gastrointerologist who gave you medicine to make your icky stomach go away but it did not deal with the real issue. I think that if you want to find the real Emma again and be happier with yourself, you need to take care of the problem not just treat the symptoms. If your health insurance finally allows, you should probably get a second opinion from a psychiatrist and see if there is either a better medicine you can take or if this is something that can be relieved with therapy.
If not, small steps are always the way to go. I think that the belly dancing class is a great step. You know me…I hate bars/clubs so I can totally get why going to one would reduce you to tears. Auditioning for the choir was great! Things like that are the stepping stones that will get you back to your olds ways. Find more things in the area that you are interested in. You have the time!! Maybe there are some kind of meeting places for local artists to hang out. Maybe you could volunteer at an animal rescue league or work part-time at the pet shop and take care of their igunas – be the resident expert and pass on all that knowledge you have picked up. You have the luxury of not having to slave away at a job you hate every day so take the opportunity to get out there and find things that you love and people to share them with. You are strong, smart, beautiful, and a pleasure to be around so I know that you will have no trouble once you get past your intial fears.
And remember…you have a husband who adores you, a family who loves you, and some best friends who would do anything for you. You have a great support system in place, and even though a good portion of them are all the way in Boston, they give you a good starting off point for building an even stronger and more secure system that will carry you far through life!
I love you!
Leeches,
Kristin
Damn. I just realised… Arn’t you a psychology major?
Either that or you’ve just picked up alot from reading Cosmo quizzes, or something. 
I probably should go see someone, if only to get some ideas on how to deal with being antisocial. My health insurance should cover it finally. I just always put it off because I’ll be fine for a month or so, and then I’ll have just one night where I totally freak out, and then the next day I’ll be totally fine and feel like normal again.
Bah. You and the being right… I wonder if you could be my shrink if my insurance would pay to fly you out to visit once a month?
Thanks honey. hugs!
Yes, I am a psych major…I guess some stuff may have actually gotten through to me over the last 4 years- damn!! I tried so hard to not learn!
Ah yes, you have fallen victim to the fallacy that allows us to convince ourselves that nothing is wrong when there are no symptoms. But the problem is always there, under the surface, waiting for you to get comfortable again and then, BAM!, it hits you again when you aren’t expecting it. They’re tricksy like that. Even if it only affects your life negatively 1 time out of 100, it is a problem worth addressing. You deserve and can have 100% goodness, not only 99%.
Perhaps if your insurance will not cover it, we can convince Devon to pay for me to come out once a month and “evaluate” you. I’ll only charge travel expenses…oh, and food and lodging while I am there.
He will totally go for it!
Aw.
I feel the same way. When I had a group of friends that I could go with, somehow I felt a lot more “free” to just be me. Going with the boy just doesn’t cut it, and I always feel grotesque, even though I know i’m not.
You’re just an artist, my darling, and of germanic descent to boot – depression and self-doubt is what we DO…..;-)
I wouldn’t worry about not feeling comfortable in clubs. You may just not have a need to do that anymore. Clubs can be kind of depressing…. But I do think you are a very smart and sensitive person, and you need to do stuff that feeds you and gets you out of the house to keep the mind and emotions from focusing inward too much.
luv YA
Darn my superior teutonic genes.
Most of the time when i do go to clubs anymore I find it less and less fun and more aware of how people tend to suck in large groups.. But there’s still a part of it thats enjoyable to me.
Now bars on the other hand… Talk about a depressing scene.
(unless they are transvestite strip clubs of course.) 